Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize