GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
