the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
babies were throwing up all over the place
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
