I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
someone owes me an orgasm
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
