i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
