Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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