I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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