I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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