Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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