By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
