Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize