I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
why is half of my head shaved?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
