Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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