why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
