im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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