I think I died a long time ago.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
