Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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