So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize