I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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