Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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