dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
