New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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