I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
