Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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