My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
