did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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