I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
