They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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