Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
