I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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