Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
