The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
