I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
