just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
