i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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