i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
