Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm like, not good at living.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
