Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
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