I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize