she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
