I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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