Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
