and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize