We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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