Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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