So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
