i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
