Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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