Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
