Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
