Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
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