Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
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