My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
