I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
