My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
