True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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