I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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