my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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