On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
